Though our friendship has weakened, but I still miss you.

Our birthdays were always planned by each other and celebrated with our group of girls. Things got kind of different as we grew older. We felt strange and awkward to each other, like we never knew each other. But it's hard for us to let go of the past we shared, every little things in our lives reminded us of each other. How can we say we don't need each other anymore, just because we found another new friends that keep us entertained, new relationship that ties up our time.

That year, my birthday, we celebrated awkwardly. Nothing was really discussed between us. It just got planned that way she likes and silence was the only conversation we had.

That year, her birthday, I decided not to show up anymore. I bought her expensive gift and passed it to a friend to get it handed over to her. I don't know how she felt, I don't know if my absence made her sad, I don't know if she noticed my absence.

Every year, I decided to push away the awkward birthday celebration for myself. I used work, boyriend, family, animals in the house as my excuses to push away whatever celebration that she might get involved in. I don't know how she felt, I don't know if my reasons made her sad, I don't know if she noticed why my reasons were those.

Every year, I would buy expensive gift for her. I thought that would be the only thing that she is going to like, expensive and branded. Because things that we both used to like, don't seem to be what she likes anymore.

Year after year, I never attend any of her birthdays, only a secret gift from me handed over by our common friend to her.

This year, I stopped buying her gift. I just felt that it's pointless. It's not about the money, really, I can afford those gifts. Things did not improve over the years. She didn't bother to want me back in her life. I thought she does not need me anymore, all she needs is my expensive gift every year.

I thought, will she start to miss me as I stop giving her gift? Or will she start noticing that I stop giving her gift? Or, she just misses my expensive gift every year, no matter I am invited or not, my attendance was mandatory or not...

Fire in my neighbour's house, almost caused a tragic to the only dog in the house.

I was about to walk tiantian in the late morning, and I smell smoke. The burnt smell is like claypot rice smell, very similar to what my dad always cook. So I thought my dad was cooking. I went to check the kitchen, there was no cooking sign.

Two thoughts in my mind: Neighbour is cooking something OR my dad just finished cooking, so the smell is still in the house.

Without much worries, I leashed tiantian and walked her. The walk took about 15 minutes, when I was back, I saw white smoke coming out from the window along the corridor. I panicked and quickly called my dad out. My house already smell like burnt charcoal. My sis heard me yelling about the fire and called the police. Three of us stood outside our neighbour's house, trying to look for ways to get into the house. I reminded them that a dog is inside. We shouted for the dog's name, "kamu". He came out from the kitchen and peeped at us, then ran back to the kitchen again. He was terrified!

I thought calling locksmith might be helpful, but none of them can reach in a short time. So I called the police again.

I brought zhuzhu down to walk and saw a police car, we quickly ran towards the police and told them where the unit is. As soon as zhuzhu took his relief, we went back to check on the situation. I told the police and the firemen that I am the caller. While they were taking down my particulars, I was thinking, "Anyone saved the dog yet?" I stopped answering them questions and went into my neighbour's house and saw poor little kamu shivering at the corner of the kitchen and nobody helps him out. WHY!!!! He has been inhaling the smoke and can be choked to death!!

I carried kamu and told him to be good, and he obediently cuddled my waist with his hind legs tightly. Ignoring the crowd, I brought him into my house. He was quiet, like still in a shock. I left him with my sis to look after him and went back to the police to continue the talk. Later when I came back to check on kamu, he was all jumping around happily like a crazy dog. Very naughty boy huh!!

SURVIVOR KAMU THE BLACK DOG!

It's my life. I'm fucking in control of it. No one can decide for me. Who cares if there are judges. When I think it's possible, it's gonna work. I trust myself very much! Avoid negative thoughts and people!

Not sure what I want. Not sure if I am going to continue as an Interior Designer. Nice title, bad job. I have phobia from the final year project. Worked for days and nights and went through all the work without resting; very very heavy pressure as though I was stepped on my head by the judgy ones; Eat at an irregular timing; No time for myself..... Just thinking of all these, my heart felt the weight, something is pushing it down. Immediately I feel like burying my head into the ground, like I am too ashamed, like my work was a disgrace, like a beggar asking for $1 from a rich person.

Do I really dislike Interior Design so much that I want to give up on it? Work is a combination of passion and money. I need money, but I think passion needs to overtake money. The 3 months rotting at home was not a waste. I rested for the first full month, the sleep and rest that I sacrificed in school and work. Then I thought it's time to start anew life and send my resume out, but I could not bring myself to touch the computer, I HATE facing it and stopped for a month plus. Until I suddenly recalled that I promised myself I would work hard once I graduate from school, I want to make my living area a better one, I want to make my room nice and clean. I started using autocad to plot the plan of my house, then plan the layout. I felt good, nobody will tell me what I need to do, nobody judges how I plan my house. I can do what I want and I think my planning was smart and thoughtful. I think I like Interior Design? I really like it? I want to make it my career and work for it? But I can't walk through the dark side I had been. Judgement? That inexperience lecturer who kept telling me my work is good but ended up shutting her gap up when someone experienced pointed out all my mistakes? I am trying to overcome my fear. I had enough facing idiot and yet have to treat it as my teacher.

Today, I was about to send out my resume to other types of jobs. Then I failed to do so again. Because I don't know what other jobs I want to take. Vet assistant? Zookeeper? Pet shop assistant? Pet trainer? All these need paper to prove that I can take the job. Then what other jobs will I be interested in? Sales that help earning commission?

Think and think and think, I think I have to stop thinking. Let actions speak. Try working before thinking. Ok?

Don't just pop out when there is a problem, and solve it shallowly. There is no certain right or wrong in anyone. A runaway girl, a drunkard man, an exam failure, may not be fully wrong. Look what happen in their lives before you judge why they do that. They are also seeking for solution for themselves, they need to get away from their problems until they are capable to deal with them. So why judge? Why constraint?

Some people worry about money, because they are not born wealthy, they can easily lose everything.

Some people worry about relationships, because they are lonely. So what if they have a lot of money?

Some people worry about statuses, some worry about future, some worry about entertainment...

Nobody is wrong to worry about different things. It is their environment that forced them to worry about what they don't have.

So don't judge. They ain't killing or destroying other people. They did not hurt other people literally. Trust them, give them confidence.