I am the lousiest of the lousiest.
Saturday, March 5, 2011 @ 2:08 PM

After 4 months of hard work, I also wish I belong to the 2 rooms that EE will listen to.

After 4 months of hard work, I felt inferior, lousy, stupid, useless, incapable, whatever negative words that describe lousy.

Until now I don't know what went wrong. I did my work, from the start, till the end. I have never given up. I do and do and do until I have very bad shoulder ache now, until I don't bother to keep a healthy lifestyle. I know these sacrifice is nothing, is small. But I just want to clarify I do respect this FYP, I take it very very seriously.

I feel very accused. Why do people think I have not been taking FYP seriously? Why do I feel that I have same amount of work as others, same design problems as pointed out by examiners, but I am the one who is considered fail?

Why always when I put in 101% effort in my work, I always end up getting a D, or even fail? Why do I always score better when I take my work easy, in another words, not really putting in effort?

I read something about psychology terms that if you give yourself too much pressure, then your work outcome will turn out negative, turn out bad. But I don't feel this way, I think I did not screw up my work? Or is it because my mentally is sick now, so I feel that my work is alright?

I don't like it when people judge my work as what the examiners judge, after I told those people what the examiners commented about my work. Aren't you a parrot repeating what I just told you? I felt very thankful when some of them agreed with me that my work is alright, they also don't know why I am a fail. Yes, I need agreements.

I was expecting EE, I know it's honourable if EE are going to look at your work and listen to you. Now my work is in the room that EE won't bother, what was I expecting? If time can go back, I would be doing the same thing all over again. I think I did put in effort. I really did.

But why? Biase-ness? Or am I really that lousy, suck, not up-to-standard?

I really feel very very very very inferior now. Every now and then I just feel that my neck is very tight, I cannot breathe. I don't know if I am mentally ill now but I just feel lousy. I don't wish to see any of my classmates, smiling away, popping campaign, go for movie and stuff. Why can't I feel the joy with them?

I feel like I am being ditched by someone I love when I did so much for an outcome. Not appreciated.

I am lousy. I am stupid. I am not up to standard.

If life is not that fragile, I would have jumped down after the presentation. I wish I am dead. Because I don't wanna think if I am going to get good grades or not, I even have to worry if I am graduating or not. I wish my mind can stop thinking, my heart can stop beating, my breathing can just stop. I totally don't wanna care any any anything anymore. I wish I can be alive again once I am ready. But no, once i'm dead, i'm dead. No turning back. Why must life be so fragile? Let me die now, I need to clear my mind. I need to stop breathing, stop feeling. Remove my heart and brain so that I am a walking corpse that has no feelings.

I hate myself so much now. I really really detest myself. I am jealous, angry, feeling the world owes me. I know this is WRONG, very very wrong and negative thinking. I thought I can just brush it all off after a long sleep. But even in my dream, I dreamt of death, I dreamt of separation, I dreamt of everyone laughing at me, I dreamt of loneliness. Like in my world, only Haw and my dogs are with me. Only they accept me for who I am. Nobody does. Nobody likes me. I am a sucker.

I took very long to consider if I should blog about my feelings because I don't know if my school is going to read it and I don't want people to start laughing at how inferior I thought I am now. But I need an escape, I need to pour all my sorrows to somewhere. I talked to my classmates, because they are the ones passing, so I felt helpless in talking to them about how I felt. I talked to my outside friends, they helped me to forget about the pain I am having now but the next morning, I still felt the same pain. I don't want to speak to my family, I just hate my ego. Why must I always hide my feelings all for that stupid ego?

I feel very childish now, crying for a subject. It is just a subject, yes the most important subject in poly but it is just a subject. Why do I keep feeling THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN END? I feel like I cannot do anything well. I put so much effort in my work and the result is a fail. What other things can I do now? Put in effort = fail. Don't put in effort = MORE FAIL. What else can I do now?

I can only train some commands to my dogs (they already know the commands) to feel that I can do something. I can only fold clothes. Vacuum the floor, mop the floor, shower for my dogs, walk my dogs. You see? I can't do big things? I am useless.

I really HATE the feeling I have now. It is my first time feeling SOOOOO useless. I don't even feel that much when I dropped from express to academic during secondary school days. But now, I am competing with people who are younger than me. I lose out, I LOST.

I don't know if I should go to Miss Marie Chan (psychologist, also a psychology lecturer) and tell her how I feel now. She always makes me feel good after talking to her. No insults, only agreements with her that I am good. I have not seen her for a year.

I need to clean my mind, erase minus eliminate delete those negative thinking if not I will hate everyone. I even feel that my boyfriend is laughing at me when he tries to tease me. When zhuzhu looks at me I feel like he is saying, "Hey mummy, how long more are you going to do that? Sore loser."

I just feel very very very lousy la extremely lousy.

I am the lousiest of the lousiest.