It got me thinking during the 4 months break in 2014, that I don't wish to get hurt by anything anymore, that I only eat what is beneficial to my health, only do what benefits me. I don't allow myself to take junk food because that is just bad, even though they taste good. I even convinced myself that those food are disgusting, that I had no cravings for any junk food, sweet food and beverage. That causes me to drop from 49kg to 43kg. I feel good about my body, making the best food choice for myself. I wake up before 8am and sleep before midnight, automatically, again is because my mind works so strong in telling me to do what's good to my body. I am determined to make work done, planning work down between the time frame 9am to 6pm when a freelance designer usually takes his own sweet time and rush to complete at the last minute. My work life and personal life both click so well that I became more confident and pretty.

Patch back with the ex, I thought it was the dumbest thing to do. I allow myself to take a bit of sugar because he reminded me that I loved those food, I cut down on my exercise, I sleep later and later everyday. My weight gained back for 3kg as of now.

I start wondering if doing the best things to myself makes me happier or doing what I really love even though it is poisonous makes me happier. I cannot find an answer to it. Sometimes I feel a great relief it is finally over, sometimes I feel pain that I let go of him. But it feels really good to point out and understood that things will never change if I continue to close an eye, that letting go is going to be the best choice, to save me from the misery. Not that I had not given a chance to this, but things became better only temporary, for awhile, as usual he became back to his old self, he doesn't speak when there's a problem surfacing etc.

I can always become back to live and do healthy, I just wonder how long will I be happy like this. Living this way is loving myself, and live for myself. I just need to appreciate and like who I am. That lovely dovey crap is not for me anymore, it's tiring and stupid. I began to see clearer how stupid people who are in love, who wants to love others. Why not love yourself, make friends with everybody, not anyone who is possessive, within there I might realize someone is always there, that I want to be with forever? I felt the definition of love is no longer the same as what I told it was in the past. You don't find your love, you realize it. There's not even a need to start the courtship, both parties just realize "if it had not been you.." I think that's so much better than the shallow way, falling in love because he is kind hearted, because he is handsome, because he is rich and generous, because he is brave, because he can cook very well... If it was for a particular reason to love, is that love or just an admiration of his character or attitude??

I am not afraid of losing. Because I want to face my true self. It's ok to be "alone", not like I am really alone, I have family and friends, there are so many things in life for me to explore one by one. There are dreams to make.

Good night.